There Goes the Childhood!

Have you seen the new JCPenney’s Back-to-School television commercial yet?

The pseudo-emo remake (performed by *gag* New Found Glory) of the Simple Minds classic “Don’t You Forget About Me”…the scene-by-scene deconstruction of John Hughes’ masterpiece…the unrepentant raping of my memories…

It’s horrible.

I cry a little inside every time I see it.

And you know what the worst part is? The clothes are just plain awful.

Geek Cred.

Inspired by my pal Greg Burgas’s unabashed confession, I now present to you what I like and don’t like in the world of nerdery and general dorkitude, what has made me the pop culture maven I am today and why I don’t care if you like it or not…

As far back as I can remember, my life has had comic books in it. I have dozens of big, white longboxes filled to near-bursting with the things. Hell, I even owned a comic book store for a while (and yet I’m surprisingly trim, hygienic and well-socialized). Yet I cannot, for the life of me, remember what my “first” comic book was. I always reference these four:

They’re the four comics that seem to have been in my collection the longest and they all come from around the same time…1977…which would have made me 5 or 6 years old and within early reading age. However, it’s more likely that my first comic book starred either Donald Duck, Uncle Scrooge or Richie Rich. I may not have read Dark Knight Returns until 2001, but I had HUNDREDS of Richie Rich comic books…you can click on pretty much any title in this list and find a book that I owned. I also owned stacks upon stacks of every Disney Gold Key title, a bunch of Woody Woodpeckers, dozens of Bugs Bunny, Tom & Jerry and Scooby-Doo comics, even a few Yogi Bear books from Charlton (I specifically remember this one)!

As sparkling as that geek intro may be, there is a dark side to my comic readership. I’ve been reading and collecting comics for a bit over 30 years now and yet I’ve never read Sandman or Sin City, have no interest in Love and Rockets or Cerebus and, aside from the premise of The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen, find Alan Moore’s writing to be incredibly boring. I read Watchmen, considered by many to be the pinnacle of Modern Age comics, once and don’t really remember the story at all.

Other comics I either dislike or have absolutely no interest in: Conan, Superman, Incredible Hulk, Wonder Woman, Hellblazer, any war titles, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Legion of Super-Heroes, most Western characters, Asterix, Tintin, and pretty much every “cosmic” character ever invented.

Conventional wisdom and the mainstream media seem to indicate that people who like comics are awkward victims of arrested development who still live in their parents’ basements and find their ultimate joy in all things based on either science or fantasy. Well, I wish to disprove that universal theory right now.

I have never and will never read a Harry Potter book. I know nothing about Pokemon, Naruto or the Power Rangers. I am not a Star Trek fan…I’ve seen the show many times, much like I’ve seen Happy Days, MASH, Love Boat, Magnum PI, Sha Na Na, Carol Burnett, Hogan’s Heroes, McHale’s Navy, My Favorite Martian, Mork & Mindy, Alice, Starsky & Hutch, Bosom Buddies, Remington Steele, Mr. Belvedere, Too Close For Comfort, Moonlighting, 21 Jump Street, Silver Spoons, Benson, The Fall Guy, Three’s Company, Married…With Children, Knight Rider, and Family Ties…they were on television and my parents controlled the set. What’s a boy to do?

The Greatest American Hero and Buck Rogers were probably the first live-action genre shows that I enjoyed, alongside syndicated runs of Batman and Voyage to the Bottom of the Sea. And I vaguely remember watching Space:1999. But I also enjoyed watching reruns of The Munsters, Perry Mason and Divorce Court while visiting my grandmother. I grew up watching Charlie Chan movies, Abbott & Costello, The Bowery Boys and various Sunday afternoon showings of old horror movies, professional wrestling and Kung Fu Theater. Never had an interest in Highlander or Battlestar Galactica (except for the ridiculously bad 70s rendition) or Doctor Who (though I watched a few of the Tom Baker episodes with my mom…she’s the REAL geek). Don’t enjoy Stargate or Buffy the Vampire Slayer. I preferred watching Star Blazers, Thundarr the Barbarian and GI Joe.

I will not read any of the Dune books, nor a single Stephen King or Anne Rice novel. Not a big Tolkien fan. Arthur C. Clarke, Isaac Asimov, Harlan Ellison and Terry Pratchett do nothing for me. Don’t care about Terry Brooks or Anne McCaffrey. However, I do have an extensive collection of books from Michael Moorcock, Douglas Adams and Clive Barker (I guess I’m some sort of anglophile). I also own every Kurt Vonnegut book ever printed.

My favorite book of all-time is Lord of the Flies. My favorite film of all-time is Cool Hand Luke. My favorite current TV show is either Rescue Me or It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia (most major network stuff gives me the creeps). And the CD that has seen the most play in my collection is probably New Order’s Substance.

Loved the initial Star Wars trilogy. Saw the first movie 13 times during its original theater run. But I never once delved into any of the “expanded universe” offerings until the new Star Wars: Legacy comic book started last year.

I must confess that I had a serious obsession with D&D in its early days. My friends and I even created our own role-playing games. However, I think I was more interested in my fake persona collecting bizarre weaponry than I was in actually pretending to be an elf.

Now, video games are another story. They’ve been in my life nearly as long as comics…vague recollections of my father taping a colored vinyl overlay on our television screen so we could play Haunted House on our Magnavox Odysssey…I still own an Atari 2600, a Texas Instruments TI-99/4A, two Commodore 64s, the original Nintendo (with gun and robot), a Nintendo 64, Playstation, Playstation 2 and Xbox. I sadly sold my Sega Genesis. I had to return my ex-girlfriend’s Game Boy after nearly killing it with marathon days of Tetris. And my parents actually bought me a used stand-up arcade game from Hersheypark for one of my birthdays…a game called Naughty Boy that involved throwing rocks at monsters in castles. I loved that damn game.

I don’t appreciate emo, metal, classic rock or goth music (unless you consider Nine Inch Nails any of those) and I absolutely HATE country. My friend once bought me a Uriah Heep CD as a joke. The performer whose music I own the most of is Frank Sinatra. I also have the complete works of both the Beastie Boys and Mighty Mighty Bosstones. The first album I ever bought with my own money was News of the World by Queen. I used to host a hip-hop radio show and LOVED late-80s/early-90s rap music until something snapped in my head and it all started to sound the same, now I can’t listen to any of the new garbage. I think the geekiest music I own is a boxed set of the Cowboy Bebop soundtrack imported from Hong Kong. That’s pretty bad, huh?

I own quite a few action figures and a good percentage of them are still in their original packaging, but they’re nothing compared to the many, many figures I owned as a kid. And most of them focus on specific characters rather than a full line of toys for the sake of completing some nebulous collection. Of course, I also had Legos, Lincoln Logs, Hot Wheels and bunches of sports equipment growing up.

Oh yes, I enjoy sports! I LOVE college sports, especially football (I’m a University of Miami alum). Been to many professional baseball games. Had season tickets to the short-lived XFL. I used to play volleyball rather competitively…I even own regulation sand court rope lines. And I’ve enjoyed my fair share of both pool and darts while downing my favorite beer. But I had successfully, and with much personal pride, avoided ever going bowling in my entire life…until my oldest boy had a “father-son” outing in preschool two years ago.

To dissuade another geek stereotype, I’ve had at least a half dozen real-life, long-term girlfriends…one of them was even a cheerleader and Broadway performer. I’ve dated models and athletes. And I eventually married an older woman!

I hate reality television unless it involves washed-up celebrities or cooking. I watch a lot of comedy specials. I enjoy a good meal and have a subscription to Food & Wine magazine. My DVR is programmed to record both Hell’s Kitchen and Top Chef.

My schooling and career path have put me in touch with a lot of great things like successful logo design, pop culture essayists, books about branding and marketing, the AMC original series Mad Men, Chip Kidd and Kyle Cooper (look him up). I enjoy reading history books that involve weird bits of the past like insurance fraud, mobsters, and the United Fruit Company. I also own a couple sociology textbooks.

I know a lot of weird stuff because I did well in school and I absorbed things through a semi-photographic memory. I’m really good at trivia games and can go to the supermarket, fill up a cart and know the exact total (with sales tax) when I reach the checkout. Plus, I used to be a member of MENSA but I didn’t feel like paying the dues anymore.

Oh, and I lived with my parents until I was 25…but never in their basement. And I did leave them to go live with my now-wife in a house in fabulous Las Vegas. So there!

That’s my geek manifesto. What’s yours?

The Joke’s On You, Batman!

This latest Dark Knight poster really got my sense of design all excited. I like things that have layers, because I’m a deeply troubled person. Some day you’ll see. THEY’LL ALL SEE!

On a related note, there are a bunch of new spots out for the movie, plus a story on Christopher Nolan’s process in the latest issue of WIRED and a write-up about Heath Ledger’s performance in this week’s Entertainment Weekly. The DVD of Batman: Gotham Knight comes out tomorrow featuring animated stories similar in theory to that Animatrix collection that was out a few years ago.

And, to top all of that, we’re deconstructing Batman, his friends and his enemies for the next two weeks over at Meanwhile…Comics!

So there.

Let’s Give the Boy a Hand.

Salt Lake City, UT (DBJ) - Last night, Jason Chaffetz, a first-time candidate and former chief of staff to Utah Gov. Jon Huntsman, defeated incumbent GOP Congressman Chris Cannon in a primary that was less than competitive. Chaffetz won the contest by 20 percentage points over a stunned Cannon after being outspent and having absolutely no ground game.

The newly minted GOP nominee places all of his success on the dual facts that he was a placekicker for the BYU football team a long time ago and that he promised to “smack the crap out of Washington” with his enormous right hand.

When contacted for a comment, the embarrassed Cannon merely replied, “You’ve gotta hand it to him. He grabbed victory and held on tight…with that gigantic mitt of his.”

Random Thoughts: June Edition

1. What ever happened to Billy Ocean?

2. How come there are never any ghosts in the future? We always see jetpacks, floating apartment buildings and food in pill form, but no ghosts.

3. Why is Coldplay’s new album so boring?

4. Did anyone ever think that Jackie Mason was funny?

5. Where is Shangri-La?

6. Remember how cool Val Kilmer used to be (before he got fat)? Top Secret…Real Genius…The Doors…The Saint…hell, even Batman Forever!

The 2008 Harvey Awards

This will mean nothing to anyone except the most die-hard comic book fans, but my work over on the “other” blog has been nominated for a Harvey Award!

Yes, Meanwhile…Comics! has been nominated in the Best Biographical, Historical or Journalistic Presentation category. There’s pretty much ZERO chance that we’ll win considering we’re up against one of the editors of Marvel Comics (The Spider-Man, X-Men, Hulk and Iron Man folks), The Comics Journal (which covers all the comics that aren’t Spider-Man, X-Men, Hulk or Iron Man related), a scholarly book about reading comics, the yearly comic book price guide and another scholarly book about famous comic people. Eep.

I’m just impressed that a two-month old blog with barely 15 posts to its credit and an average daily readership of, say, 4 or 5 people has been recognized for its merit. The cool thing about the Harvey Awards (named after Harvey Kurtzman, the famed founder of MAD Magazine) is that they are nominated by and voted upon by comic professionals. This isn’t a “call your mom and tell her to vote” award ceremony. So someone out there loves us…though, since no one ever comments on our posts, I have no idea who that someone is.

Whoever you are, thanks.

The Harvey Awards will take place on September 27, 2008. I’ll let you know how we do.

Blue Angel Wines

My friend Kym has just opened up her own wine shop in the Williamsburg section of Brooklyn and she’s celebrating with a party this Saturday. If you’re in the area, swing by and tell her that JC says “hi.”

It’s official! My wine shop, Blue Angel Wines, is now open for business.

Come celebrate our opening and the summer solstice this Saturday, June 21st from 6-9pm. We will be having a Chips & Solstice party where we will be sampling a selection of organic and small-production wines from around the globe.

We are now open M-W 12-9pm, Thurs- Sat 12-10p, and Sundays from 12-6pm. You can reach us at 718.388.2210 with questions and order inquiries.

We will also deliver to you!
Website coming soon.

And remember: Drink more wine!!

Pictures Of Ten Famous People I’ve Met And The First Impression I Had Of Each One

1. Bruce Campbell - Star of Evil Dead movies and a friend of Sam Raimi. I met him while he was doing a tour in support of his first book. He actually drives one of the VW Beetles from the Herbie flicks.

First Impression - Bruce Campbell has a very large noggin.

2. Tia Carrere - Costar of both Wayne’s World films and an alumna of Dancing With the Stars. I was actually an extra in one of her direct-to-video movies. During lunch I sat next to her.

First Impression - Wow, Tia Carrere is taller than I imagined.

3. Francis Ford Coppola - Director of such important movies as Apocalypse Now, The Godfather trilogy and…uh…Peggy Sue Got Married. My wife and I met Mr. Coppola outside of his winery in Napa Valley.

First Impression - Francis Ford Coppola is kind of a dick.

4. Robin Leach - Former host of Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous and most recently seen on VH1’s The Surreal Life. For some reason, Mr. Leach always showed up at the parties I was invited to in Las Vegas.

First Impression - Robin leach is an overweight, greasy pervert.

5. Phish - Hippie band. Technically more than one person, but I did meet them all at once. I was producing some PSAs for a radio station, when the band came into the studio for an interview.

First Impression - Phish stinks. Seriously, they smell really bad.

6. Henry Rollins - Former lead singer of Black Flag, noted author and revolutionary. I met Henry backstage at a Beastie Boys/Cypress Hill/Rollins Band gig. He was telling a story about not liking Miami because you couldn’t tell when the violence was coming.

First Impression - Henry Rollins seems quite on edge, perhaps even paranoid.

7. Pauly Shore - Comedian, actor and former staple on early-90’s MTV. Most famous for appearing in a film with Andy Dick and not punching him in the face. I met Pauly Shore when I had to interview him before one of his comedy concerts.

First Impressions - Judging by the bloodshot eyes and low-key confusion, I’m confident that Pauly Shore is quite high.

8. Alex Winter - Played the non-Keanu part in the Bill & Ted movies, a thug in Death Wish 3 and a vampire in Lost Boys. Also known for his work on MTV’s famed Idiot Box series. Alex recently directed a live-action movie for the kids’ show Ben 10. I met Alex when he was selected to direct some television commercials that I had written.

First Impression - Alex Winter doesn’t look like he would appreciate me asking about Keanu Reeves.

9. Rita Rudner - Comedienne and Las Vegas resident. I met her while producing as radio commercial for one of her many appearances in Las Vegas.

First Impression - Rita Rudner doesn’t seem to be able to make a decision on her own.

10. Traci Lords - I think we all know what Ms. Lords is famous for, don’t we? I met her while she was doing a college speaking tour about her life and how to avoid being a personal mess. I interviewed her after her presentation and had my picture taken with her, but then my friend’s camera got stolen.

First Impression - I believe Traci Lords is disappointed that the audience is 100% male.

Nikki Cox or Daisy Duck?

Does anyone else remember when this:

Used to look like this:

Discuss…

FREE Nine Inch Nails (Again)!

I just got a great present from my best friend, Mr. Trent Reznor. Now keep in mind that I’ve never actually met Trent. I saw his wonderful group of dedicated musicians open for one David Bowie many years ago. Gosh, it seems like yesterday…swaying in the mosh pit, holding on to my girlfriend by her belt loops so she wouldn’t be carried away by the tide of black-shirted, hirsute fans, and cutting out of the show early after we realized that Bowie was only playing songs off his new album which weren’t very good and which we hadn’t ever heard before.

However, Trent has kind of been on the forefront of the whole “I already have a bunch of cash, so why gouge my fans with the ever-increasing prices of corporate music” movement. After giving away the ethereal Ghosts I-IV collection and the brand new NIN album The Slip, he’s now pulled off the costless entertainment trifecta by handing out the five-track Lights in the Sky EP featuring cuts from NIN and four other bands currently touring with them (Crystal Castles, Deerhunter, A Place to Bury Strangers, Does It Offend You, Yeah?).

Click the image below to download some awesome bleep-bloop gems for yourself…