Welcome to the Cheap Seats

Ah, sports. The great pastime. A little friendly competition. The thrill of victory. The agony of America’s contribution to the world of professional addiction (gambling, drugs, getting women pregnant, and writing tell-all books that encompass all three). You have to admit there is a certain amount of corruption involved in all professional sports leagues (hell, in most of the amateur leagues too). No one can deal with that amount of money, that level of notoriety, without doing something wrong.

But just because there are bad seeds sprinkled throughout the turf doesn’t mean the whole field will sprout weeds. There have been some good people involved in the sports world. Unfortunately, two of them reached the end of their season this week.

Bill Robinson spent 13 years as a pro baseball player and earned a World Series ring with the Pittsburgh Pirates. He then went on to coach younger players and won two more rings with the Mets and Marlins. He was a good family man. No scandals. No jail sentences.

And then there was Bill Walsh, the Wizard of the West Coast Offense, sacked by the Grim Reaper. When you look at the modern era of the NFL, you can’t ignore the impact that Walsh had on the sport. Eight of his assistants went on to become head coaches, and eight of their assistants (so far) have done the same. That’s a family tree unmatched in any level of sport. Not to mention his tutelage methods led to the eventual development of Brett Favre, the record-breaking future Hall-of-Famer who is secretly a cyborg assassin sent to the past to destroy football (and pain medication).

If Bill Walsh and his quick-hit passing game hadn’t happened to the NFL, we’d probably still be watching rows of cornfed linemen batter each other with up-the-middle running plays (of course, I could make the argument that Jimmy Johnson helped the evolution a bit at the college level with his “speed kills” recruiting mantra…Go Canes!).

I haven’t been this sad about someone’s passing since Momofuku Ando (the name that sounds like someone swearing at you with a mouth full of oatmeal). “Who the heck is that?” you ask. None other than the creator of the famed Cup Noodles. He gave us the greatness that is 16 different flavors of portable sustenance. With his death, we may never know what could have been the 17th level of perfection. Tangy cucumber? Cream of pineapple? Green tea crickets and onions?

Seriously though, it’s a shame to have to honor these two gentlemen in the same week that Michael Vick’s face gets plastered all over the sports section for allegedly taking part in a dog fighting ring. Cruelty to animals and illegal gambling notwithstanding, what’s the deeper message behind Vick’s alleged crime? Role models are few and far between in professional sports. For every great player/person like Bill Robinson, there’s an Allen Iverson, a Chris Benoit or a Barry Bonds.

Michael Vick had opportunity handed to him on a silver platter. Now he’s been told not to attend camp. His product endorsements are drying up left and right. You can literally say that Michael Vick’s career has gone to the dogs. Of course, it’s not like it’s his first time in the spotlight. Remember that mystery bottle he tried to take on an airplane? You know, the one with the marijuana stash in it? Yeah…trying to smuggle drugs in the Miami airport. That’s about as smart as trying to force Americans to love soccer.

And, hell, he’s not even the first Vick to get in trouble! His little brother Marcus was waving pistols and trying to get underage girls pregnant years before Big Bro made the headlines. I guess if Michael ends up exiled from the NFL, he can always go play for these guys.

However, as much as I can rail on corruption in sports, it doesn’t hold a candle to the corruption of our national political system.

Yep, that crazy old bastard…er…Senator, Ted Stevens, is under federal investigation. You may remember Ted Stevens as the guy who wanted to build a bridge from the Alaskan mainland to a small island with a population hovering around 50 people, depending on the day. And it was only going to cost nearly a quarter of a BILLION dollars. Oh, and the Republican octogenarian also said that thing about the internet being a series of tubes…

And if his stuttering and nonsensical speaking style distracted you from absorbing all that infinite wisdom, maybe you’d enjoy this musical remix instead:

I shouldn’t really single Stevens out though, considering Alaska’s other Senator AND the state’s Congressman are all under some sort of investigation. Oh, and Stevens’ son, Alaska’s former Senate President, had his office raided last year. Then there’s the corruption charges against a lobbyist, conspiracy charges facing three state legislators and the ongoing troubles for the owners of an Alaska-based engineering company.

What the hell is up with Alaska? I really can’t wait until the vampires show up there…