PUA: Keep on Truckin’

Y’know, I really wanted to talk about something else today. Something uplifting. Something important. Something about how hot Kat Von D is and how much more fun her show LA Ink is than it’s east coast inspiration Miami Ink.

However, based on the amount of traffic and the number of comments I’ve received, it’s obvious that people love to hear my gleaming thoughts on VH1′s self-help trainwreck The Pickup Artist. Here’s just a sampling of the search terms the masses have used to find my humble site:

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And the non-related, but still somehow hilariously appropriate:

• meaning of tranny
• i wanna dip my balls in it
• famous people going bald

So, I’m going to give it one more go (for now). I promised myself I wasn’t going to watch anymore of this foulness, but since all I ever do is punish myself for past mistakes, I guess I can give a half-assed update of the progress so far. You’ll have to forgive me for missing an episode or two. I don’t know what happened. Oh wait, now I remember…I actually have a life!

So: Episode 4 (I think). Right off the bat, I’m giggling over Brady’s deep realization that:

Looks can only get you so far.

And yet I’m also truly embarrassed by the amount of time these guys spend reading and studying. Reminds me of my youth when I wanted to memorize all the cheat codes for my Sega Genesis games (because you were never quite talented enough to beat the games on your own).

Then we move on to kissing techniques, which seem to be the least of these guys’ worries. Mystery’s friend, Tara, is set to help the guys out with this one.

Mystery’s method helps people make a connection that is beyond sex.

She says this, of course, right before she instructs the nerds how to kiss by having them make out with fruit.

This girl then goes on to blindfold herself, kiss all the remaining contestants and name a winner (although in these poor guys’ eyes they probably all feel like winners for getting to kiss something other than a peach). The winner of the challenge (Kosmo with a K) gets the honor/horror of having an earpiece on their next hunt which Mystery will use to guide him like a horny robot.

With his over-excited, adolescent personality and constant referrals to everything being “money,” Kosmo can clearly use every ounce of help he can get. But it brings up an interesting conundrum: if you need someone in your ear telling you how to pick up women, are you really accomplishing anything useful?

We then move on to touching or “kiss tactics.” Here, Mystery offers an obvious mindfuck: the “kino.” Claiming that it refers to “kinesthetics” or the ability to feel movement, he first says that you should touch everyone you’re talking to after 15 seconds…and I literally can’t wait to see these schlubs counting in their heads as they make awkward conversation. Then he makes the awesome claim that if you can’t get a woman to hold your hand, she probably won’t kiss you. Really, Sherlock? How many rejections did it take to figure out that gem? Let me give you a freebie: if she’s pulling away from you and screaming for help, you might want to let her go. And run.

Finally, it’s time to go out “in the field” again. We watch a few guys try to engage women who obviously have no real interest in them. There’s a lot of rejection, a lot of borderline-misogynistic coaching (one guy missed out on a “perfectly good-looking girl”) and a lot of uncomfortable actions.

Ooh…then we get to the aurally-challenged Kosmo. Now, granted, what Mystery tells him to say ends up in a make out session for perky little Kosmo. But beyond the fake story he tells to initiate the conversation (Lie #1), the goofy attempt at telling her fortune (which she sees through instantly), the whole “I’m trying hard not to kiss you” line (Lie #2), the fact that she’s obviously slurring her words already and the sense that she WANTS to be hit on and sincerely thinks he’s good-looking, what else does HE have to offer?

Unsurprisingly, Kosmo wins the challenge. That’s a bit unfair to the sad dudes who didn’t have a big brother holding their hands through the process.

I feel dirty just for watching.

It seems the main interest for these guys is to walk around the room and engage everyone in the same meaningless claptrap in order to figure out who might be gullible enough to listen. Then, they keep track of how many “indicators of interest” these women throw out there and use that as a threshold to determine whether or not they should kiss them. It’s all so cold, calculated and way too thought-out.

And yet every one of the morons who has deigned himself worthy enough to comment on my postings insists that the “method” isn’t about quantity, it’s about improving yourself so that you’re able to have a meaningful relationship with someone you truly care about. Can you not see the hypocrisy in what you say versus what you do?

I met my wife at a bar. After about ten minutes of conversation, she decided she wanted to take me home. I didn’t approach her awkwardly to find out if she uses dental floss. I didn’t feel compelled to ask her what else she had to offer besides good looks. I simply asked for her name. We talked about what we did for a living. We found out we had some friends in common. And I cracked a few jokes about the situation. That’s it. And it’s that easy.

I would say that this PUA technique is similar to a lion stalking a herd of water buffalo to find the weak and easy one…but that would be giving them too much credit. Considering there are more attractive, funnier and more well-adjusted men at this bar, the pickup squad comes off more like a pack of rabid jackals moving in to mop up once the real kings of the jungle have moved on.

An exercise in boosting someone’s confidence is one thing. And it’s an admirable pursuit. But dressing it up in a silly costume, with it’s own language and detailed plans of attack is a level of cheese that causes instant mockery. And it’s way too easy to ridicule from an outsider’s perspective. I feel like one of the popular kids (which I never was) making fun of the dweebs (whom I certainly hung out with) , except instead of being picked on for wearing pocket protectors and speaking to each other in Klingon, they’re getting picked on for wearing a funny hat at a bar and telling a girl she has to pay $5 to touch it. Pathetic.

I don’t feel the need to give this show my attention anymore. I believe that most people see this as the scam it truly is. Those who don’t (like the three nerds who relentlessly commented on my last PUA post) are compelled, like religious fanatics, to blindly follow whatever course of action may prove fruitful to them regardless of the underlying implications. To which I say, hey, as long as it makes you happy and you don’t hurt anyone in the process: ENJOY.

These men are being suckered by con men in the true sense of the term (confidence men), but the women who fall for it are losing much more than some money and a good bit of dignity. I finish this rant on the smarter-than-I’ll-ever-be words of my wife:

If there were a female version of this training, like an anti-pickup thing, no man would stand a chance of getting laid ever again.

Truer words were never spoken. Let’s get on that, ladies!