Every once in a while, I go through my CD collection and wonder why I bought two-thirds of the stuff I have. I spend more time trying to choose what music to listen to while I work out than I do actually working out. I keep thinking I should choose a CD that I know all the songs on, but as I peruse the endless shelves of jewelboxes I realize that those gems are few and far between. For the most part, my collection is filled with albums purchased because I liked one song…or I liked other groups on the same record label…or I read something about the group that intrigued me.
Well, yesterday I decided to drag out the boxes of actual vinyl that the wife and I own. I was completely blown away by our combined resources. If you sat this collection in front of a total stranger and asked them to describe its owner based solely on the contents within, I can’t help but think that the stranger would describe us as “weird” and/or “possibly deranged.”
My wife’s part of the collection is filled with respectable stuff like The Smiths, The Cure, Black Flag, Sex Pistols and The Replacements while my shitty contributions include The Village People, Queen, Flock of Seagulls and ridiculous amounts of horrible hip-hop singles like this:
FUN FACTS: The K-9 Posse featured Eddie Murphy’s younger brother Charlie, best known for getting bitch-slapped by Rick James. And the only good thing about this song is the Eric B & Rakim sample in the chorus.
I also own this on vinyl:
The song opens with a pretty cool sample of dialogue from West Side Story and a great bassline, but after that it’s all downhill. The flipside of “Play it Kool” was titled “Ugly People Be Quiet” and the follow-up single was called “Find an Ugly Woman.” How did these guys not hit it big?
I don’t know why I got off on this strange tangent, but now I’m laughing my ass off. I miss the days of Whodini and Steady B, Mantronix and the Boogie Boys, MC Shan, Davy DMX, Original Concept. I could go on, ’cause that’s how I roll…or used to…sort of…alone in my bedroom.
And now I just lost every single reader of the blog because you’re all sitting there thinking, “Cracker, please!” Maybe you’re right. Let’s talk about things white people like. How about musicals? Goofy white people love themselves some musicals.
I guess by now everyone knows that there’s going to be a Spider-Man musical. And that the guys from U2 wrote the music for it. And that the plot involves Peter Parker twirling and running away from other bouncy dudes in leotards. You remember that part of Spider-Man 3 where Tobey Maguire got all emo and had a stupid(er) haircut and danced and sang? Yeah…it’s gonna be like that, except with wraparound Bono shades and a bunch of hungry African kids singing the background parts.
The latest word is that Green Day are creating a musical based on their “theme” album American Idiot. I guess that’s a better idea than basing it on Dookie, which was all about drug use and masturbation. However, I can’t help but feel old thinking about Green Day staging a musical. You know how the Rolling Stones continue to tour even though they all died over a decade ago and are kept alive solely by draining the lifeforce from their audiences? I don’t want to live in a world where Billy Joe has to suck upon the souls of the Hot Topic crowd.
Oh wait, yes I do. I can’t stand those fake goth weirdo kids.
On a completely unrelated note, the other co-creator of Dungeons & Dragons, Dave Arneson, passed away after battling cancer for years (Gary Gygax, his former business partner, died in 2008). I guess he failed his saving throw. ZING!
This makes me sad. First of all, he was the same age as my father. Secondly, he was one of the people responsible for helping me “protect” my virginity for years. And thirdly, the dude that created Pokemon still breathes the same air as me. That’s just not fair.
You know what else isn’t fair? The fact that ABC will probably end up canceling Better Off Ted. Is anyone else watching this brilliant show? Yeah…that’s the problem. The show is shot in a single-camera format and the main character constantly breaks the “fourth wall” to talk directly to the viewers. Take the funny parts of Ferris Bueller’s Day Off and imagine them making love in a sweaty threesome to The Office and a live-action version of Futurama and you still won’t begin to understand what I’m telling you.
Better Off Ted is about one of those companies that makes things no one realizes they need. Like BASF and 3M and NASA and Apple. Ted is the head of Research & Development at Veridian Dynamics. And the plotlines of the episodes revolve mostly around an “item of the week” that has been created by the company…from cow-less meat to weaponized pumpkins to itchy office chairs to racist motion detectors.
There’s a level of humor here that isn’t comfortable for typical American audiences. There’s no one getting tagged in the nuts. Nobody falls down. Not a single instance of men belching or commenting on their own clichéd laziness. I like to call it humor with an extra “u,” as in the British style of humour where you actually have to think for a second instead of just blindly laughing like a drunken hyena.
And that’s why it won’t last an entire season. Americans don’t like to think. That’s why we continue to buy Jonas Brothers albums and Uggs. It’s why things like the Carls’ Jr. Double Western Bacon Cheeseburger exist.
Two Charbroiled All-Beef Patties, Two Strips of Bacon, Two Slices of Melted American Cheese, Crispy Onion Rings and Tangy BBQ Sauce on a Toasted Sesame Seed Bun.
Makes your mouth water, doesn’t it? Well, believe me, it makes your ass water afterwards too.
I don’t really have a point to make today. But honestly, how many of you read the title and thought I was going to have any sort of cogent discussion on all of those disparate topics? I’m only human (and a white guy (and American))!