There is only one thing in the known universe that frightens me more than clowns. And that thing is: THE ROBOT TAKEOVER. There are two reasons why I have a subscription to WIRED magazine. The first reason is that section where they tell you what stuff is made out of (did you know that one of the main ingredients in Pop-Tarts is also a key component of spackle?). And the second, more important, reason is to keep up on the latest technological breakthroughs so I can stay several steps ahead of the impending revolution. I don’t want to wake up one morning and find my toaster sitting on my chest with its cord wrapping around my neck. That little bastard already murders my Eggo waffles. I don’t need it turning its attention to me.
Humans have an unexplainable drive to remove the humanity from everything they touch. We are a self-loathing species. We are also quite lazy. That’s why I guess it comes as no surprise that we want to automate even the simplest tasks. However, I don’t think giving our inanimate objects the ability to power themselves is the wisest direction to travel. Building a solar-powered car is an economical and environmentally-conscious project to pursue. Slapping a solar panel on a lawn mower and leaving it to its own devices is not so bright. That’s why I was so shocked to read that many large American cities are turning to solar-powered trash cans to help save time and labor. Let me repeat that…SOLAR. POWERED. TRASH. CANS.
Now ask yourself this question: why does a trash can need power? Once you’re done shuddering with fear and locking all your doors and windows, I’ll fill you in. See, these large cities are spending a bundle on sanitation crews. They go around the city collecting all the garbage, but sometimes the cans are only partially full or whatever. So, these solar-powered cans are equipped with heavy duty compactors that can help the receptacle hold more than five times the volume of a regular wire trash can. I guess, as the trash reaches a certain level, the compactor automatically kicks in and condenses the trash. Then, when the can approaches its limit, it sends a text message to the refuse removal team. I’m going to repeat that part too: THE TRASH CAN TEXTS THE GARBAGE MAN!
Is anyone else kinda freaked out by this?
Tell me that these solar circular files won’t become favorite dumping spots for mob hitmen. And, once the trash cans get a taste for human blood, there’s no telling what they’ll do to get it. Pretty soon, they’ll be using their texting skills to dial up Domino’s to deliver pizzas to their bottomless maws. And when pizzas aren’t enough to quench their desires, they’ll soon turn to the delivery people themselves. It will be a veritable bloodbath of limbs and pepperoni.
The only upside I can conceive from these self-aware monstrosities is the fact that urban squirrel populations will greatly decrease upon their arrival. Seriously. How many of you have seen the wanton lust in a squirrel’s eye as it dives into a trash bin to retrieve that extra bit of soft pretzel you carelessly discarded? Squirrels are demons on Earth. And if it came down to choosing sides between squirrels and robotic trash cans…well, let’s just say there’s nowhere any of us could hide.
After sitting in a corner and rocking myself back to calm, I decided to do a little research and see what else our stupid scientists are imbuing with sentience. Turns out, we’re really screwing ourselves over with our forward thinking. Here are just a few of the everyday items that will now be drawing life (and potential murdering skills) from the sun:
NECKTIES – Are we really such a trusting society that we would allow a self-powered noose to drape itself around our necks? Or are we inherently suicidal? This solar necktie is designed for that businessman on-the-go who needs to charge his cell phone as he’s power-walking through the metropolis towards his next million dollar deal. The saving grace of this contraption is that no one important would ever be caught dead wearing this ugly ass thing in public. The only idiots brave enough to wear this fashion faux pas are the same people non-brave enough to venture out of their parents’ basements. No sun = no neck-based killing machine.
FOUNTAINS – I hate to say it, but this one almost makes sense (aside from the fire hose-like potential to keep us under their control). What’s the point of having a fountain running during a rainstorm (which I like to call Mother Nature’s natural fountain…yeah, I frolic)? I don’t like giving artificial intelligence to any item capable of harnessing the unlimited power of water. However, do birds really need our help to get clean? And does it really matter if a bird is clean or not? They’re still gonna poop on your car. It’s just their thing. They can’t help it. Plus, they hate you. The trash cans texted me and told me so.
FANS – This is just a Moebius strip of retarded. You’re hot and want to cool off, but the only way your fan will work is if you sit out in the sun. Stay indoors. The sun can, literally, kill you.
People are stupid. No wonder we don’t see the coming apocalypse. I’m telling you, Stephen King had it right. Somewhere, at some time, a big rig with a Green Goblin grill is going to rev its engine and that’ll be the signal for all countertop appliances to strike. Housewives will be the first victims, followed closely by Best Buy employees, infomercial audiences and whoever it is that pushes the buttons on our global weather machine.