87 Things That I Don’t Care About (with some links).

You ever have one of those days where nothing really interests you? A day when no matter how many magazines you read, conversations you have or websites you visit, you just can’t find anything that makes you emote in the least. This day is just a dull, bleak monotony with no end. Even sleep is boring to me right now. Not one single dream.

The sad thing is, my chosen profession puts me in a position where I’m supposed to stay abreast of pop culture and current events so that I can weave these touchpoints seamlessly into my writings. Our clients strive to be relevant. They want to be on the top of everyone’s mind. While the perks of such a profession can be enriching (tax write-offs for comic books and concert tickets under the auspice of “research”), the downside is a barely uncontrollable urge to just hide in a dark corner and weep.

In order to temporarily stave off the dreadful power of creative burnout, I’m going to talk about all the things that I don’t care about. Some of these things will be described in sarcastic detail. Some will be appended with evidence of my nonchalance. And all of them will be promoted by my non-promotion of them.

Yes, the irony is not lost on me.

Anyway, here are 87 Things That I Don’t Care About (with some links):

  1. LOST – I haven’t cared about people stranded on islands since the days of Gilligan. Smoke monsters and polar bears are just updated versions of Wrongway Feldman and Dr. Boris Balinkoff. Look it up, youngsters!
  2. Bluetooth headsets – You just look like a tool when you’re walking in a crowded shopping mall talking to yourself about tee times. Seriously. Is your life that important that you need to be in constant contact with someone? Will the world economy collapse if you take an afternoon nap?
  3. Harry Potter
  4. Miley Cyrus
  5. The Cleveland Browns – Win something, then we’ll talk.
  6. Free credit reports
  7. Amy Winehouse
  8. Mint Chocolate Chip Ice Cream
  9. Turkey – The country, not the animal. Turkey, the animal, is delicious. It’s especially delicious when it’s sliced thinly and piled on a hard-crusted bread with watercress, Havarti and a smear of mango chutney. I’m not kidding. It’s superb.
  10. Superpoke
  11. Super Unleaded gasoline
  12. Superchunk
  13. “Super Duper” – Used as an adjective, especially in the lyrics to “Puttin’ On The Ritz” by one hit wonder Taco.
  14. PlayStation 3
  15. Lifetime television channel
  16. People who play the bassoon
  17. Ted Turner
  18. Professional wrestler The Blue Meanie
  19. Truck stops
  20. Preteen chick flicks about vampires
  21. This guy
  22. That new Star Trek movie
  23. Anything made out of gold (silver is less pretentious)
  24. Cash4Gold
  25. Kanye West
  26. Quilts
  27. Quilting
  28. Magazines about quilting
  29. Magazines about rock climbing (but not rock climbing itself)
  30. Pecan sandies – fuck those things.
  31. Songs about women riding horses
  32. Billy Baldwin’s film career (except for Fair Game…that’s a classic)
  33. Stores that sell $350 jeans
  34. Sporks
  35. Traveling anywhere by bus – Didn’t we outlaw torture in the US?
  36. Paintings of fruit
  37. Furniture that you’re not allowed to sit on
  38. People whose pet peeves encourage them to correct other people’s grammar
  39. Paddleboats
  40. The Colorado River
  41. The difference between bologna and salami
  42. Comic books about people who hate their jobs
  43. Coup d’états
  44. The Little Rascals
  45. Country music – Except for stuff that only sounds like country music but really isn’t…like some Neko Case and Jenny Lewis songs. However, I have extra contempt for stuff that is country music but pretends not to be. I’m looking at you, Wilco.
  46. Greeting cards
  47. Bumper stickers
  48. Department store changing rooms
  49. People who ride scooters just to be clever – I’m on to you.
  50. The bullriding monkey
  51. Umbrellas
  52. Scratch and sniff stickers – For my money, they could never nail down the smell of chocolate. It was always too sweet.
  53. Ukulele songs
  54. Small dogs – If I can accidentally step on it and kill it, it is not a pet.
  55. Flightless birds
  56. Electric can openers
  57. Kites
  58. The Canadian Pavilion at Walt Disney World’s Epcot Center – That’s just lazy.
  59. Trilobites
  60. Galactica 80 – Wow. That was just awful, wasn’t it?
  61. Hair dryers
  62. Shorthand
  63. Nicknames for basketball players – Let me guess, it’s going to have something to do with him being tall.
  64. Kentucky
  65. Superstitions based on weather
  66. Blue food – Not counting that funky milk stuff from the first Star Wars movie
  67. Origami
  68. The jackass at every Halloween party who shows up dressed as “himself”
  69. Cannibalism
  70. Commercials for life insurance
  71. Dancing With the Stars – Not only does the premise bore me, but they blatantly abuse the word “Stars” with apparent glee and relish
  72. Banana peels
  73. Organ grinders
  74. Mushrooms
  75. The Rolling Stones (except Paint it Black)
  76. Whooping cough
  77. This car
  78. Abstinence
  79. Staying up until 2am on a Thursday to watch The Pope of Greenwich Village, because I was under the impression that it was one of those underrated great movies of my generation. Instead, it was just sort of boring. And it was difficult trying to rectify both Eric Roberts’ perm and Mickey Rourke’s face in today’s celeb-centric world.
  80. Clothing for pets
  81. The new Beyonce album that Amazon seems to think I’d be interested in, based on me adding the upcoming Hold Steady live album to my Wish List. Correlation?
  82. Basing my entire workday around the latest announcements from Apple
  83. Deep sea fishing
  84. Balloons – What’s the point?
  85. Tricycles
  86. People who only want to talk to me about what they did today. Sometimes it sucks being a great listener. Might as well be a eunuch.
  87. Not winning the lottery.

Wow, I thought that would help me feel a bit better. But it didn’t.

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Drink This And Give Up The Ghost.

Did I ever tell you about the time that I had a freelance writing assignment for one of those glossy, bosom-packed guy magazines? See, this was during the emergence of the energy drink phenomenon and the magazine was looking for someone who would be willing to sample, rate and review every ridiculous concoction they could get their hands on. I was young and silly and already addicted to caffeine, so I jumped at the opportunity. I was living in Las Vegas at the time, which is like Ground Zero for addictive substances and lifestyles. My wife and I scoured every grocery store, gas station and convenience store in the city in order to track down whatever the market was shilling. All in all, I found 22 different brands of energy drink. And I drank them all in a three-day span.

That was stupid.

I kept very detailed notes on each drink, from simple stuff like color and taste to packaging design and supposed health benefits of certain ingredients. And I took the notes just as I was consuming each crack-like beverage, so one could actually watch my wording and handwriting deteriorate in real-time. Quite the spectacle really. I even saved each can and carefully washed them all to avoid attracting ants. I lined all the cans up on the windowsill in my kitchen so I could gaze upon my accomplishments as I loaded the dishwasher.

When I had finished my self-torture, I dumped the cans into a plain brown cardboard box and dragged them into my office in the hopes that one of the agency’s art directors would photograph them for me after hours. The cans were safe and sound on the floor behind my desk, triumphantly gleaming like a Technicolor Pandora’s Box of big game trophies. They were a conversation piece. An announcement of my virility. An unmatchable conquest.

And you know what happened? I left them there overnight and when I came in the next morning, I discovered that the cleaning crew threw them out.

I never did get that writing gig.

But I did gain a few pounds, experience a temporary change in skin tone, and lose hours of sleep that I’ll never get back. Yummy.

Hey look! A Pac-Man energy drink! Whoopee.

I’m going to buy this, mix it with three fingers of Jagermeister and a dash of Triple Sec, garnish it with an orange slice, and call it “The Clyde.”

Patent pending. Don’t steal my idea, sucka.

Geek Cred.

Inspired by my pal Greg Burgas’s unabashed confession, I now present to you what I like and don’t like in the world of nerdery and general dorkitude, what has made me the pop culture maven I am today and why I don’t care if you like it or not…

As far back as I can remember, my life has had comic books in it. I have dozens of big, white longboxes filled to near-bursting with the things. Hell, I even owned a comic book store for a while (and yet I’m surprisingly trim, hygienic and well-socialized). Yet I cannot, for the life of me, remember what my “first” comic book was. I always reference these four:

They’re the four comics that seem to have been in my collection the longest and they all come from around the same time…1977…which would have made me 5 or 6 years old and within early reading age. However, it’s more likely that my first comic book starred either Donald Duck, Uncle Scrooge or Richie Rich. I may not have read Dark Knight Returns until 2001, but I had HUNDREDS of Richie Rich comic books…you can click on pretty much any title in this list and find a book that I owned. I also owned stacks upon stacks of every Disney Gold Key title, a bunch of Woody Woodpeckers, dozens of Bugs Bunny, Tom & Jerry and Scooby-Doo comics, even a few Yogi Bear books from Charlton (I specifically remember this one)!

As sparkling as that geek intro may be, there is a dark side to my comic readership. I’ve been reading and collecting comics for a bit over 30 years now and yet I’ve never read Sandman or Sin City, have no interest in Love and Rockets or Cerebus and, aside from the premise of The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen, find Alan Moore’s writing to be incredibly boring. I read Watchmen, considered by many to be the pinnacle of Modern Age comics, once and don’t really remember the story at all.

Other comics I either dislike or have absolutely no interest in: Conan, Superman, Incredible Hulk, Wonder Woman, Hellblazer, any war titles, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Legion of Super-Heroes, most Western characters, Asterix, Tintin, and pretty much every “cosmic” character ever invented.

Conventional wisdom and the mainstream media seem to indicate that people who like comics are awkward victims of arrested development who still live in their parents’ basements and find their ultimate joy in all things based on either science or fantasy. Well, I wish to disprove that universal theory right now.

I have never and will never read a Harry Potter book. I know nothing about Pokemon, Naruto or the Power Rangers. I am not a Star Trek fan…I’ve seen the show many times, much like I’ve seen Happy Days, MASH, Love Boat, Magnum PI, Sha Na Na, Carol Burnett, Hogan’s Heroes, McHale’s Navy, My Favorite Martian, Mork & Mindy, Alice, Starsky & Hutch, Bosom Buddies, Remington Steele, Mr. Belvedere, Too Close For Comfort, Moonlighting, 21 Jump Street, Silver Spoons, Benson, The Fall Guy, Three’s Company, Married…With Children, Knight Rider, and Family Ties…they were on television and my parents controlled the set. What’s a boy to do?

The Greatest American Hero and Buck Rogers were probably the first live-action genre shows that I enjoyed, alongside syndicated runs of Batman and Voyage to the Bottom of the Sea. And I vaguely remember watching Space:1999. But I also enjoyed watching reruns of The Munsters, Perry Mason and Divorce Court while visiting my grandmother. I grew up watching Charlie Chan movies, Abbott & Costello, The Bowery Boys and various Sunday afternoon showings of old horror movies, professional wrestling and Kung Fu Theater. Never had an interest in Highlander or Battlestar Galactica (except for the ridiculously bad 70s rendition) or Doctor Who (though I watched a few of the Tom Baker episodes with my mom…she’s the REAL geek). Don’t enjoy Stargate or Buffy the Vampire Slayer. I preferred watching Star Blazers, Thundarr the Barbarian and GI Joe.

I will not read any of the Dune books, nor a single Stephen King or Anne Rice novel. Not a big Tolkien fan. Arthur C. Clarke, Isaac Asimov, Harlan Ellison and Terry Pratchett do nothing for me. Don’t care about Terry Brooks or Anne McCaffrey. However, I do have an extensive collection of books from Michael Moorcock, Douglas Adams and Clive Barker (I guess I’m some sort of anglophile). I also own every Kurt Vonnegut book ever printed.

My favorite book of all-time is Lord of the Flies. My favorite film of all-time is Cool Hand Luke. My favorite current TV show is either Rescue Me or It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia (most major network stuff gives me the creeps). And the CD that has seen the most play in my collection is probably New Order’s Substance.

Loved the initial Star Wars trilogy. Saw the first movie 13 times during its original theater run. But I never once delved into any of the “expanded universe” offerings until the new Star Wars: Legacy comic book started last year.

I must confess that I had a serious obsession with D&D in its early days. My friends and I even created our own role-playing games. However, I think I was more interested in my fake persona collecting bizarre weaponry than I was in actually pretending to be an elf.

Now, video games are another story. They’ve been in my life nearly as long as comics…vague recollections of my father taping a colored vinyl overlay on our television screen so we could play Haunted House on our Magnavox Odysssey…I still own an Atari 2600, a Texas Instruments TI-99/4A, two Commodore 64s, the original Nintendo (with gun and robot), a Nintendo 64, Playstation, Playstation 2 and Xbox. I sadly sold my Sega Genesis. I had to return my ex-girlfriend’s Game Boy after nearly killing it with marathon days of Tetris. And my parents actually bought me a used stand-up arcade game from Hersheypark for one of my birthdays…a game called Naughty Boy that involved throwing rocks at monsters in castles. I loved that damn game.

I don’t appreciate emo, metal, classic rock or goth music (unless you consider Nine Inch Nails any of those) and I absolutely HATE country. My friend once bought me a Uriah Heep CD as a joke. The performer whose music I own the most of is Frank Sinatra. I also have the complete works of both the Beastie Boys and Mighty Mighty Bosstones. The first album I ever bought with my own money was News of the World by Queen. I used to host a hip-hop radio show and LOVED late-80s/early-90s rap music until something snapped in my head and it all started to sound the same, now I can’t listen to any of the new garbage. I think the geekiest music I own is a boxed set of the Cowboy Bebop soundtrack imported from Hong Kong. That’s pretty bad, huh?

I own quite a few action figures and a good percentage of them are still in their original packaging, but they’re nothing compared to the many, many figures I owned as a kid. And most of them focus on specific characters rather than a full line of toys for the sake of completing some nebulous collection. Of course, I also had Legos, Lincoln Logs, Hot Wheels and bunches of sports equipment growing up.

Oh yes, I enjoy sports! I LOVE college sports, especially football (I’m a University of Miami alum). Been to many professional baseball games. Had season tickets to the short-lived XFL. I used to play volleyball rather competitively…I even own regulation sand court rope lines. And I’ve enjoyed my fair share of both pool and darts while downing my favorite beer. But I had successfully, and with much personal pride, avoided ever going bowling in my entire life…until my oldest boy had a “father-son” outing in preschool two years ago.

To dissuade another geek stereotype, I’ve had at least a half dozen real-life, long-term girlfriends…one of them was even a cheerleader and Broadway performer. I’ve dated models and athletes. And I eventually married an older woman!

I hate reality television unless it involves washed-up celebrities or cooking. I watch a lot of comedy specials. I enjoy a good meal and have a subscription to Food & Wine magazine. My DVR is programmed to record both Hell’s Kitchen and Top Chef.

My schooling and career path have put me in touch with a lot of great things like successful logo design, pop culture essayists, books about branding and marketing, the AMC original series Mad Men, Chip Kidd and Kyle Cooper (look him up). I enjoy reading history books that involve weird bits of the past like insurance fraud, mobsters, and the United Fruit Company. I also own a couple sociology textbooks.

I know a lot of weird stuff because I did well in school and I absorbed things through a semi-photographic memory. I’m really good at trivia games and can go to the supermarket, fill up a cart and know the exact total (with sales tax) when I reach the checkout. Plus, I used to be a member of MENSA but I didn’t feel like paying the dues anymore.

Oh, and I lived with my parents until I was 25…but never in their basement. And I did leave them to go live with my now-wife in a house in fabulous Las Vegas. So there!

That’s my geek manifesto. What’s yours?

Don’t Fear the Reaper.

just reaping what they sow...

Yeah…that title was waaaaay too easy.

I watched that new CW show Reaper the other night and I thoroughly enjoyed it. It was quirky. It was witty. It had that cute chick from that gymnastics movie in it…you know, the girl who had the doppelganger powers on Heroes:

Stick It!

Anyway, too bad the show is on CW. I’m guessing it doesn’t stand a chance. Although, it does have the weird vibe of funny/supernatural that appeals to all the Buffy types.

The main character was also the main character on the short-lived Fox airline comedy, The Loop (another show that didn’t stand a chance even though indie comic superstar James Kochalka did the theme song):

nothing funny here, folks.

*sigh*

I’d do one of those really long posts that I’m known for, with all the links and quirky references, but I’m just too tired from all the XBOX gaming overload. In case you were wondering, I gave up on Halo and switched over to replaying the first Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic. I always liked that game, but could never beat the bad dude at the end because I hadn’t picked the right Jedi powers throughout the game. And the game was made by BioWare, whose talent I always appreciated.

Wow…that got a little off subject, didn’t it?

So…yeah…watch Reaper, Tuesdays at 9pm on CW.

What else are you going to watch then? The Biggest Loser on NBC? Take a look in the mirror, pal!

It’s A Long Story, But…

Jeez, you take a few days off from a blog and suddenly everyone thinks something happened to you. Calm down, people. I’m not lost in the treacherous mountains of Bhutan or buried beneath tons of rock and soil on an archeological dig for the lost continent of Atlantis. I just have the attention span of a coked up gnat. Don’t you understand that yet?

Evidently, I missed the chance to talk about a bunch of stuff that seems to be on everyone’s minds these days…OJ, Britney, the Emmys, sub-prime mortgage fraud, the upcoming hour-long Family Guy tribute to Star Wars, a ginormous typhoon that’s going to wipe out half of China and what’s going on with Phyllis on Young and the Restless.

But let’s be honest. I was never going to talk about those pedestrian matters anyway. I go for the interesting and hard-hitting news items. That’s why, right now, I’m going to attempt to string together seven completely unrelated news items into one dazzling post that will climb inside your head and kick your mind’s ass. Here goes nothing…

fits in the palm of your hand.

Would you like to play a game?

A 30 year-old Chinese man died at an Internet cafe after playing an online game for three days straight. I guess he ran out of extra lives! HA! See what I did there? I took a sad story and, by putting a bit of video game referencing humor in it, I made it an even sadder story. Just call me the “David Copperfield of Words.” Three days straight, huh? Hell, I’m surprised everyone else in the place didn’t die from his body odor first! ZING! I got a million of them. Seriously though, I can’t think of a single game that could keep me occupied for three straight days unless I really had nothing else to do with my life. Sure, my buddy and I stayed up for nearly 24 hours playing one of the Ultima titles back in the day, but all we got was a little giggly once we finally wandered back out into the sunlight to have breakfast. I would just feel guilty for playing a game that long. Like, I think I would come to the eventual realization that I should probably be doing something…ANYTHING…else.

big Mac(k) truck

Two all-beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions on a four-wheel drive chassis

Of course, if the guy had known that you can now order from McDonald’s over your cell phone, he may have survived a bit longer. (And no, despite how incredibly believable that photo is, McDonald’s does not deliver monster-sized Big Macs. Yet.). Seriously. Have we become that time-consumed as a society that we need to be in our car, speeding to Mickey D’s, with a cell phone jammed in one ear, shouting out an order to some pimply-faced teen just so we can swoop in and pick it up without breaking stride? Wouldn’t it be even faster if we could hire someone to chew the food for us first and then run alongside us and spit it in our gaping maw while we hurry to our next can’t-miss appointment? Fuck it. For that matter, why not just get a slow-drip special sauce IV that you can tap directly into your veins? Americans are lazy bastards.

kick-off

And that’s for winking at me!

Except for one: Chuck Norris. That’s right, Chuck Norris is in Iraq right now visiting some bases at the request of the US military. He reports that it’s “much safer” and “more relaxed” than often portrayed by the “liberal media.” Sure it is, Chuck. And it’s because everyone is afraid you’ll roundhouse kick their faces off! All the terrorists probably dug their own graves and lay shivering in them, soaked in their own tepid urine, just waiting for you to leave. Nothing puts the fear of God into terrorists (or the liberal media) quite like Chuck Norris.

as God is my witness...

And I’m suing George Burns for all the secondhand cigar smoke

In fact, Chuck may have to act as a stand-in for God if a Nebraska state senator has his way. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, Sen. Ernie Chambers is suing God. It’s the perfect cherry on top of the frivolous lawsuit sundae, if you ask me. Of course, I’m a liberal atheist, so you probably don’t want to talk to me anyway. But it makes sense. I mean, everyone calls floods and hurricanes and Uwe Boll films “acts of God.” That, technically, makes God a mass-murderer or at the least a really big jerk. Imagine the stories the public defender attached to the case will be able to tell. “Yeah, I’m such a good lawyer, I was picked to defend God. And I have a huge penis. Who wants my phone number?” It’ll be interesting to see if God shows up for the proceedings.

is Ned Beatty in this one?

Does the blood pouring out of my eyes count?

I doubt he will. Because if there were a God, then Bloodrayne II: Deliverance would’ve never been made. And I can’t believe I just referred to Uwe Boll twice. I hope he doesn’t challenge me to a boxing match. This guy has become such a hack that he’s making up sequels to movies no one saw in the first place. I guess Michael Madsen and that chick from T3 determined that this could actually damage their sparkling careers, so they were replaced by Michael “Eddie and the Cruisers” Pare and the pseudo-lesbian villain from Elektra. Wow. How do these things get greenlit? There must be something in the Hollywood water.

Stephen King never looked so good.

Yes, that’s a still from Creepshow. Wanna fight about it? 

Or maybe it’s just a meteorite like the one that recently crashed in Peru. People in the area reported feeling sick and tired. And they weren’t going to take it anymore. Then one of them sprouted claws and started calling everyone “bub,” another one learned to control the weather and a third one started shooting red beams from his eyes. Peru is fucking crazy. Don’t go there. That single meteorite could wipe out mankind as we know it.

Y? Because we love you.

A guy and his monkey walk into a bar…

And then all we’d be left with is Shia LeBeouf. Yes, Mr. Holes is reportedly interested in taking the lead role in the movie adaptation of the Y: The Last Man comic book series. As I’ve said before, I enjoy Shia’s performances. I also happen to be a big fan of the book. And, from what I’ve heard, that Disturbia movie that Shia did with the same director was a pretty cool flick. Huzzahs for everyone!

And with that…I actually did it. I merged seven idiotically divergent stories into one meaningful and heartwarming post. I am a lingual genius. A master of phrase, if you will.

Please send me money.

It’s Friday and I’m Going Home.

Yeah, we get out of work early today. They’re shutting the place down just in enough time for me to go pick up my boy from kindergarten and take him to Toys-R-Us.

I am the best dad EVER.

Since I’m under a time crunch (and I’m simultaneously distracted by both the start of college football season and how much ass my Fantasy Football team is going to kick), I’m just going to post a few interesting things that I’ve recently stumbled upon…

Mmm...love me tender.

Limited Edition Elvis Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups with Banana Creme

When I was a kid, my favorite Baskin-Robbins ice cream flavors were chocolate fudge and banana. And, when I worked at Hersheypark, one of my favorite snacks were the frozen bananas dipped in chocolate and covered in peanuts. So it should come as no surprise to anyone that I am literally willing to kill kittens with my bare hands just to get a hold of one of these delicacies.

Go Team Venture!

The swankiest living room EVER.

I am an admirer of the Venture Brothers cartoon on Adult Swim. I want to have its babies. This is just one background painting for the upcoming season. You can see more here.

Star Wars: The Force Unleashed.

Yeah…that’s pretty fucking cool. You play this game as Darth Vader’s apprentice. And, from the looks of the action, you will be ruining some poor stormtrooper’s day. Repeatedly. Supposedly comes out Spring 2008.

Spider-Man: Friend or Foe

I am not an exciting person. No one who actually knows me would consider me a “go-getter.” Most of the things I’ve accomplished in life have been purely by accident, luck or sheer coincidence. In fact, I would much rather sit around thinking about things that I could get done than actually getting up off my ass and doing said things. That, in a nutshell, is why I enjoy video games.

I’m old enough to be a child of the Atari 2600. I believe, all told, my family owned three of them. Through the course of my life I have also owned 2 Commodore 64’s, an original Nintendo, a Sega Genesis, a Nintendo 64, a PlayStation, a PlayStation 2, an Xbox and any number of random personal computers (both PC and Mac). If you want to go further back, my father and I played a game called Odyssey(?) which basically involved placing a colorful sheet over your TV and pointing to flashes of light that appeared on it.

Or I may have just imagined that last one.

Anyway, the point is that I grew up with and have thoroughly enjoyed video games my entire life. And what I am about to show you could possibly be the most important video game I’ve ever seen (if you ignore Pitfall, Adventure, Raid on Bungeling Bay, Zork, Goldeneye, Super Mario Brothers, A Bard’s Tale, X-Com, Resident Evil 2, the Ultima series, Burnout and…oh yeah…HALO).

Behold:

get fisted!

This is a screenshot from the upcoming Spider-Man: Friend or Foe. Yes, that is Iron Fist performing some sort of magical dragon-fu which, in itself, grants this game the title of BEST EVER.

I don’t know what or who he and Spidey are fighting and I don’t rightly care. What I understand from watching the trailer, is that you play as Spider-Man and you’re basically beating the crap out of your old enemies and then talking them into teaming up with you to beat the crap out of more enemies. I don’t know what the final goal is in the whole thing, aside from a group rendition of “Kumbaya,” but I really like the near-retro look of this game. And the fact that Iron Fist appears in it is the single greatest thing to happen in the US since the invention of Fruit Roll-Ups.

The game debuted at E3 this past week (and, as a complete aside, a couple of my college buddies debuted a game there too) and is set for release in the fall.

Read more about it here, if you can stop drooling for a minute.