We Were Trying to Stay Away From Those Kinds of Scenes.

It’s being called the “Anti-Social Social.” Globally-known DJ Kid Koala is hosting three consecutive Mondays of sonic boredom. The unspoken concept here is that creative types need background music to get their juices flowing, but the music can’t be any good or else it will distract them. Crazy Canadians!

I’m almost willing to spend the five dollars (is that Canadian money or real money?) just to sit and watch all the sad little emo kids pretend not to check each other out. And, free pencil. Score! As my father-in-law can prove, with his bags upon bags of acquired writing instruments, you can never have too many pencils. Especially when they’re free.

Sure, I understand the concept of this event. And I applaud Koala’s ability to come up with a new way to market himself and his minimalist talents. The crux of the argument is that even the irony makes no sense. If I’m having trouble concentrating in my own chosen environment and I don’t want to be bothered by others, then why would I subject myself to some public event where I’ll be in even less control of my own process? What if I don’t want other people to see me scrawling my racist screeds onto the pages of recycled bibles in my own blood? Maybe the pro-life fetuses I’ve been crocheting aren’t for public consumption. Or, hey, you know those nude sketches of my next door neighbor’s kid? Yeah, maybe those are just creepy and illegal. Do you really want that paired up with the purity of a free cup of hot chocolate? Is it hot enough to burn away the sins that will take place at this outing?

In my eyes, an “anti-social social” is just me yelling at the screen while playing No More Heroes on the Wii. I’ll definitely be thinking about all the people I’ve decided not to hang out with (mostly Canadians) and all the music I’ve chosen not to listen to (*cough*KIDKOALA*cough*). Plus, it’ll save me five bucks. And my wife can make brownies for me. She’ll just be happy that I’m not following her around the house asking her what she’s doing. No, I don’t want to help fold the laundry. No, cleaning the bathroom does not appeal to me in any way. To be quite honest, I was just mildly annoying you so that you wouldn’t be mad when I finally disappeared into the warmth of video game land. Two wrongs DO make a right.

And only 5 hours of music? Dude, my creativity lasts longer than that. I do not have a problem with premature creation. Ask anyone. They’ll tell you. When the music stops, you’re going to ruin my whole train of thought. The walls of Nirvana will come crumbling down upon us all. Everyone will leave completely unsatisfied, yearning for just those few extra minutes of creative bliss, trying desperately to achieve creative climax.

No thanks, Canada. I won’t be attending your creepy little creative key parties. I can, by definition, be completely antisocial on my own!