She’s Pretty…Funny.

As a general rule, women don’t make me laugh.

I’m not sure we’ll ever know the psychological reasoning behind that statement. Maybe it’s due to the fact that I was raised on Three Stooges, Woody Woodpecker and Hogan’s Heroes reruns. Maybe there weren’t a lot of strong, female types that I consistently saw during the 70’s and 80’s (aside from the Mandrell Sisters and the centerfolds in my dad’s Playboy collection). I dunno.

Let me just say that I LOVE stand-up comedy. I used to watch it whenever I could…from Evening at the Improv to MTV’s Half-Hour Comedy Hour to the HBO One Night Stands. I grew up watching folks like Andrew Dice Clay and The Unknown Comic, so maybe there’s some sort of low-level misogynism in me. Whatever the reason, I just don’t find most women funny.

And maybe it’s the subject matter. Male comedians seem to be able to talk about anything…relationships, sports, politics, addictions, taboo subjects, whatever. Female comedians just seem to whine about their clothes, their boyfriends and their periods. Sure, that’s a gross generality, but you get my point.

Of course, all of that changed when I saw (and heard) Felicia Michaels for the first time.

Felicia Michaels from an October 1992 Playboy pictorial

Michaels, a former Star Search comedy champion, has the impossibly squeaky voice of a chipmunk hopped up on helium and the seductive curves of a pin-up girl. Her material sometimes reached into blue territory, which was made all the more dirty by her seemingly innocent voice and demeanor. It was love at first sight.

Felicia Michaels took my cherry (so to speak, though at the time I wouldn’t have minded the literal example either). And, while I would still rather not watch a female perform a stand-up routine, I have grown to appreciate some of the humor from the fairer gender. I also believe that, with the uprise of “celebrity culture,” the playing field has been levelled in terms of material. It’s actually sometimes funnier to hear a woman bash on Paris Hilton because you can better understand their shame/anger at her antics.

Of course, it doesn’t hurt when the female comedian in question looks like Felicia Michaels. With that lame introduction (and as an homage to my college pal Deus Ex Malcontent), I give you my short list of female comedians who I find both snarky AND sexy…

Jessi Klein

Jessi Klein is a less harsh, more geeky version of Sarah Silverman. Not afraid to throw out an awkward curse word when completely inappropriate, but definitely better suited for a beer and a game of Trivial Pursuit.

 Jessica St. Clair

Jessica St. Clair is unexpected. She looks like a ditzy blonde, but can whip out an instant zinger that will make your jaw drop. And she does it with a goofy grin and an almost imperceptible “like, oh my god” flip of her hair.

Cecily Knobler

Cecily Knobler has impossibly beautiful eyes. She could insult me to my face, laugh at me while we have sex, kick me in the taint and generally demean me in front of the world…but as long as she batted her eyelashes while doing it, I’d still show up on her doorstep with flowers the next morning.

Melissa Rauch

Melissa Rauch is the quirky girl next door. She’s excitable yet possesses a self-deprecating style that makes her seem easy to get along with. I’d be just as comfortable sitting on the couch making fun of a Surreal Life marathon with her as I would be taking her to meet my parents (and half-heartedly hoping she wouldn’t fart in front of them).

Rachael Harris

Rachael Harris is the quintessential MILF. The soothing, slightly raspy voice. The “I’m too busy to do my hair” style. The deadpan delivery with a whiff of sarcasm. And the glasses…ooooooh, the glasses. Me-ow.

Lynne Koplitz

Lynne Koplitz is just flat-out sexy. Her voice is a bit nasally for my tastes and she seems to have some sort of lisp, but her routines, full of uncomfortable situations and innuendo, never fail to make me laugh out loud. And, jumpin’ Jesus, look at her!

April Macie

April Macie is just…WOW. Completely disarming to see this beautiful, shapely woman walk on stage and let loose with an over-the-top rant on hospital food and hippies that would embarrass even the drunkest, most inbred NASCAR fan.

And that’s my list. Sure, there are other funny women in the world. Ellen Degeneres is generally on point. Tina Fey, Amy Poehler and Julia Louis-Dreyfus tickle my funny bone and other parts further down my body. But there’s something to be said about the balls it takes for a woman to walk out on a stage alone, grab a microphone and attempt to entertain you with both her words and her looks.

It’s kind of sad that there aren’t as many stand-up shows on TV, or at least not as many live avenues for witty commentary. That’s why I have to give my undying thanks to VH1 and NBC, because without Best Week Ever and Last Comic Standing I may never have been introduced to these hilarious hotties.

Maybe next time I’ll try to explain why I never liked female singers until my senior year of college (and, to this day, I can’t read female authors either).

So…anyone left off the list that I should look for? Tell me what you think.